Huh? What Did She Just Say?

The good thing about Thanksgiving is that you get to be with family. The bad thing about Thanksgiving is that you have to be with family.


One of the worst Thanksgivings ever--one that I wish never happened--was several years ago, when I made the horrible mistake of spending it with my dad, his wife, and her family. At first, everything seemed to be going well:  food was being prepared, the house smelled like the happy turkey in the oven, the table was set, the football game was on TV. Pretty normal stuff.


Then, as we all sat down, we had to say something we were thankful for (still normal, right?). So, when it was my dad's wife's turn, she started going on about what she was thankful for, bla, bla, bla, bla...and then, "I'm thankful for our adopted daughter, Mariko." 


Um...what the f***?! (I'm sorry if that's offensive, but that was my gut response!) There I was, 20-something years old, and this lady had the nerve to say that, like I just arrived fresh off the boat from Korea or something! Like, why in the world did she have to say that? Why did she have to say "adopted daughter"? Like, if she refers to me, then she has to use that modifier. Sometimes it just astounds me at how insensitive and ignorant some people can be. I shot my dad a look, like what the heck did she just say? I was sitting in emotional quicksand, and to say I was angry would not completely explain what was going on in my body at that moment. I was deeply offended in a raw way, and I just wanted to leave the table at that point. It was such an absurd statement to make, and it just blew me away at how demeaning and belittling she could be without even realizing it (and that's the worst part, she didn't even realize it!!!) I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand this, but you just don't say things like that...ever. What made matters even worse was that my dad didn't do anything. He didn't say anything, he didn't pull her aside to talk to her; he did nothing.


In my family, we don't use that modifier. I don't introduce people to my mom and say, "This is  my adoptive mom." I just say, "This is my mom," because she is. She is my mom. I hate it when people ask me if she's my "real" mom. Yes, she is my real mom. She is the one who raised me. She is the one who knows me, loves me, puts up with me, listens to me, yells at me, helps me and supports me. We may not be blood-related, but she's my mom and she's the only mom I've known. I don't call her, "my adoptive mom," and she doesn't call me her "adopted daughter." It just doesn't work that way in our family.